A friend sent me this. Got to love Clarkson!

48 Top Clarkson Quotes:

1. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

2. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

3. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”

4. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that’s what gets you.”

5. [On the Porsche Cayman S] “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

6. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

7. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

8. [On paddle shift automatic gearboxes] “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

9. “The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.”

10. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”

11. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

12. [On the Ford GT40] “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

13. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

14. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.”

15. [On the Lotus Exige] “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

16. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

17. “The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”

18. [Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.

19. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”

20. [On the Corvette Z06] “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

21. [While playing the video game Gran Turismo] “Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography.”

22. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”

23. “There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.”

24. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”

25. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

26. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

27. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”

28. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

29. “The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.”

30. “Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.”

31. “The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.”

32. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”

33. [On cars at a Max Power show) “Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up.”

34. “What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

35. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”

36. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”

37. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

38. “It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.”

39. [On Segways] “They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.”

40. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

41. [On the Koenigsegg CCX] “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

42. “If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you’ve seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.”

43. “Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!”

44. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”

45. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... being stabbed?”

46. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”

47. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

48. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

i love those ones, someone should amake a list of all the quotes about The Stig
Some Say....

Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

some say he likes bum off jeremy clarkeson and he has no penis... all we know is, he's called the Stig

Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he watched the lord of the rings sixty twelve times and he was pissed off at gandalf for stealing his idea for a halloween costume. all we know he's called the stig.

Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he's the main cause of global warming and his stomach is reverse engineered to make the I-Phone. all we know is he's called the stig.

Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that wherever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say if you see into his eyes you turn to stone and he had a playboy magazine in his hands when he was born. all we know he's called the stig

Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that some cannot say because the Stig can make some not say what they want to say and all i want to say is i don't know what the hell i'm trying to say.

Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

He appears to have started listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.

Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whiny mouth shut! All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose .... maybe he's signaling to his home planet.

Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.

Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the northeast, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [horizontally]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he's a CIA experiment gone wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!

Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!

Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!


Some say that he knows 2 facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called the Stig.


Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!

Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video referee at the World Cup Rugby Final, he'd have seen 'of course it was a try you blind Australian half-wit'! All we know is, he's called the Stig.


Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.


Some say he was turned down for a place in 'im a celebrity' because he is one. and that he has some terrible plans involving the moon.

The BBC has lost a legal fight to stop publication of a book which reveals the identity of Top Gear's driver The Stig.
The High Court in London refused to grant the BBC an injunction blocking the publication by HarperCollins of an autobiography of former Formula Three driver Ben Collins.
The book, called The Man In The White Suit, claims Mr Collins is the mystery driver on the BBC Two show.




Stig court case: BBC loses battle over Ben Collins book

Yeah I saw that in the news. I don't get it to be honest, surely he's shooting himself in the foot, sacrificing what must have been a pretty cushy and well-paid number for a one off book deal??

its funny as well because no one really cares
it could of been a quick news topic and then over with but the BBC dragged it out.

i wonder if theres going to be a new stig, we already had Black Stig and next
......Blue Stig maybe